i have a right to be angry...

i had been betrayed and hurt by the very people who meant so much to me.  i was angry, seriously angry, and i thought i had every single right to be.

day after day (honestly, year after year) anger stomped out my desire to forgive.  i wore that anger around daily like a badge.  i was so angry i had no desire to see, hear about, talk to or know anything about those i was mad at.  and i was perfectly okay with that.  my mental list of reasons i should stay mad definitely overrode my desire to forgive.  i have a right to be angry.  anyone would agree if i told them the situation.

oh, i could play the good-Christian-girl for a while if i was around them, masking my feelings quite well.  but inside the fire was burning.  i would almost trip over myself trying to scurry out of there so i could let that hurt, hostility and anger catapult to the surface.  and God bless the poor unsuspecting person with me, they would get an ear full of all the words i wished i could have said to those that i was angry at.  if there wasn't anyone with me, no problem, i would quickly dial the first person that came to mind.

then it happened, i felt God urging me to realize the time had finally come.  it was time to forgive.  time to understand just how much damage my anger was doing to my own heart.  i was at a loss how i was going to just up and forgive and get rid of this insane amount of anger.  "oh my, how will i ever do that Lord?  i mean, remember me, amy, the girl that can hold on to a grudge forever?".

i knew from a worldly perspective, i had every single right to be angry.  but from God's perspective, my anger was adding to the sin of the situation.  my unforgiveness was keeping me from extending the same mercy and forgiveness God has given me.

i also realized that from my children's perspective, i was setting a horrible example.  i would take them to church sunday morning to listen to God's word, discuss what the Lord would want us to do in certain situations throughout the week BUT feel completely justified in my own anger in this situation.  and my littles, following in my horrible footsteps, were absolutely angry at the same people i was.

through a talk with my sweet mama, and the words of James, God softened my heart.  it was time to forgive, to truly forgive, and move on.  this is something this grudge-holding-girl could never do on her own, but with the Lord by my side i sure can.  God tells us in James 1:19 to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. i have to admit, i've failed miserably at following all three of those commands.  i sure am thankful for God's sweet grace.  because this girl right here is a slow learner and bullheaded.

while i was writing this post, the song "through it all" came on the radio.  God sure speaks loudly sometimes, doesn't He?

I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation,
God gave me blessed consulation,
that my trials come to only make me strong.

Through it all,
through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God

Through it all,
through it all
I've learned to depend on His Word.

I've been to lots of places,
I've seen a lot of faces
there's been times I felt so all alone.
But in my  lonely hours
yes, those precious lonely hours
Jesus lets me know that I was His own

I thank god for the mountains.
and I thank Him for the valleys.
I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.
For if I'd never had a problem
I wouldn't know God could solve them.
I'd never know what faith in God could do.

out for now