Old home movies, something my kids have always loved. It seemed as soon as I would shut the camcorder off they would instantly want the tape put into the VCR and replayed. I have to admit, I loved watching them too.
While watching an old home movie of me dancing around the living room like a crazy fool with two little’s in tow, a particular disturbing scene came across the screen. One of them did something naughty and I completely overreacted. My voice changed. My tone changed. Tears were shed. And the camera was turned off. I winced, lowered my head and sat there with my mouth hanging open.
I had ruined my children's lives.
That moment would definitely not have been Michelle Duggar approved. I could just see her shaking her head at me in disgust. The guilt swirled around me and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I felt as if i should run over, grab my kids off the couch, hug them and apologize a million times and beg for forgiveness.
I lifted up my head and glanced around the room. The little’s, unphased from the scene, were still watching the home movie. Giggles and laughs abounded. Why are they not upset? Why are they not looking at me with disgust? Though this was a big ouchie mama moment for me, to them it was no big deal. And guess what? They still love me.
I am so thankful that His grace covers the nitty gritty and sometimes ugly of parenting. Just as He is perfectly happy to give our kids room to grow, He also gives us room to grow. With God, we're never a "bad" mama. We might have a bad moment...or two...or twelve. But a few bad moments doesn't define us as mothers. Most of the time we learn from our mistakes and we're better because of them. I've came a long way since the day of that horrid video.
The truth is, we've all had those Mama moments haven't we? We all have days that we're dealing with our tiredness, their sassiness, problems, attitudes and stepping on legos. That produces moments of tension, anger and frustration. I mean, come on y'all, have you ever stepped on a lego? Which then rolls right into doubts, insecurities, guilt and shame. The guilt overshadowing you after those moments is almost unbearable, but does it helps to stay there? Living that moment over and over again doesn't help anyone, including your little’s.
Fast forward to present day. I have two amazing little’s. They are respectful, God-honoring and truly have servant’s hearts. I actually didn't ruin their lives. I know I made some mistakes, but I did some things really really right. I am a good mama and so are you. Sure, we might have a few bad moments but we are the exact mom God knew these little’s needed.