I’m scared to write this piece.
I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to make a mistake and offend anyone. I don't want my words skewed into something I don't mean. I don't want to make assumptions of others hearts. And I don't want to cause a problem where there isn't one.
So, I've staid quiet. Well, semi-quiet. But today, I'm taking a step and laying it on the line.
As most of my mornings start, I grabbed my cup of pumpkin spice coffee and sat at my desk. Quiet early mornings are my favorite. I logged into Facebook and looked at the screen. Staring at the screen for a moment, I mumbled to myself: Doesn’t God care about my feelings?
To be honest, I am walking in a wilderness right now. A wilderness full of friends walking hand-in-hand, while I walk alone.
I knew my heart had been churning and aching. I knew tears had been flowing. But this was the first day these words bubbled to the surface: God owes me this.
After all the years I have worked for the Lord and been faithful, and this is what I get? I deserve better than this. I deserve more.
God, why did you give me a heart for friendship and fellowship but then not give me anyone to share it with?
Where was God when I needed Him the most? When I sat at home, tearful and lonely, while others enjoyed lunch dates and laughter?
This has been a hard and messy time in my life. Throughout all my surgeries, I never questioned God. Throughout my ongoing health issues, I've never questioned God. Throughout every trial, I've known He had my best interest at heart.
Those words leaving my mouth shocked me. I sat there with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my face.
To be honest, I'm lonely.
And nothing reinforces that loneliness more than social media. A quick scroll through Facebook can make me easily feel lonely, discouraged and empty.
I have 875 friends I'm connected to, yet I feel lonelier than I ever have. My hearts desire is to to be loved and treasured by friends. I have a heart that has an overflowing craving for friendship and fellowship.
How is it even possible to be a lonely believer? Sounds like such an oxymoron, doesn't it? I know that Jesus is my best friend, so how am I still lonely? I have my husband and children. I have my parents next door. I have a Mama I talk to daily. I have two dogs, two cats and 42 chickens. I have a life that boarders on crazy from time to time. How is it possible among all of that for me to feel lonely? Why does it make me feel guilty to even admit loneliness?
David, “a man after God’s own heart”, was lonely. In Psalm 25:16 he said to the Lord, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” David was lonely! Wow, so a man after God's own heart, a man who clearly wasn't afraid of anything, was lonely and felt isolated.
I'm not sure exactly what my soul is craving, but God knows. And in that gap between my longing and Him fulfilling the fellowship I desire, I'm choosing to trust His timing. It might possibly be the hardest thing I've done y'all.
At that exact moment I did the only thing my heart would, I went directly to sit at my Fathers feet.
Through my tears, I heard a still-small voice saying Fellowship with me, give me your heart and your troubles. I will never abandon you even when others do.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I'm going to be honest, It’s tough to hope and trust in God when life looks bleak.
I know the devil uses our emptiness against us. And the words that so easily left my mouth are a perfect example of that. It's so easy to feel self pity, self-centeredness, bitterness, anger and jealousy. And it's so easy to put a band aid on the pain. I am reminded now more than ever that I need to find my comfort through God and trust Him and His timing.
As I write this post through tears, many tears, my heart is calm knowing I'm allowing Him to fill the gap. I'm choosing to trust in Him, delight in His timing and allow Him to fill the hole inside of me.